Bringing Up Boys

Levi has been in heaven for 7 weeks today. He left us around 10:30 that Friday night and now has been in heaven as long as we had him here. That night is still so fresh. I remember the relief I felt for him as soon as I knew he was in heaven and at the same time, the panic I felt inside me for us left behind. My sweet Caleb. I hurt so much for him. He will never have a life here on earth with his brother. He loves him so much. He talks about him so much. I wanted Levi here with us so much and for so many reasons. The two reasons that meant the most to me, though, were for God's glory and for Caleb's future with him. The doctors said that it would have to be a miracle for him to live. They said it would have to be a miracle from God for him to even come off of ECMO. He came off ECMO much to everyone's surprise. The nurses told us they were all amazed and that no part of them thought he would come off ECMO. Our God is greater than anything and what a miracle He performed in little Levi. I am getting a little off topic...back to Caleb. Caleb has talked about all of the things he wanted to do with Levi. Even he, at four years old, had dreams about his life with his baby brother. I hate that he can't have that. He is supposed to be able to teach him how to get in trouble and how to drive me crazy with gross things like buggers and passing gas. He is supposed to teach him what it means to be loved in a way that only a brother can love. He is supposed to teach him how to pick flowers for me. There are so many things that are missing not only from mine and Michael's lives, but from Caleb's as well. I can take what this life throws at me, but I can't take things happening to my babies. I do not do well with stuff hurting my child. I always think, you can mess with me, but don't even think about messing with my kid! What parent doesn't feel that way? I started this post thinking about how it hurts that Levi has been away from us for so long and that this is only the beginning, but I always end up thinking about Caleb. I pray for him so much. I only want a life filled with joy for him and so we go on and we pray for strength (which God always provides, although some moments are better than others) and we do our best to give Caleb everything he needs while also trying to help him understand something that children should never have to understand. He is just too young for all of this. His life will never be the same and I hope that now, as we are going through this life where Levi has spent 50 days in heaven, he will always know that we love him and Levi more than he can imagine. We will always love Levi even when he is not here, but we will also always do our jobs and love Caleb and take care of him. He is such a blessing in our lives and I am so thankful for him every day. Despite everything, we are extremely blessed!