Halloween

Not much to say about Halloween. We went to Levi's grave for a while first and then headed to the church for trunk-or-treating. We were there for maybe 45 minutes and then headed back to the neighborhood to trick-or-treat with my family. Caleb had so much fun. He was running like crazy door to door. He hadn't even eaten any candy and it was like he had drank about five redbulls. We asked if he was having fun and before we could even get the question out he screamed, "YEAHHH!!!" so that was good. I have never seen him run so fast. I couldn't help but smile about how much fun he was having. I love that sweet boy so much!

Caleb actually took this picture

Levi's Superman Pumpkin

He thought this was awesome

Cute boy

Running from the door with the boys. Trying to get to more candy as fast as possible

Another Fall Festival

We took Caleb to another fall festival. This was an awesome one, but I do think they could have given out more candy (mostly because I like to eat a bunch of his candy every year). They had tons of games for the kids, a couple of rides, a bouncy house, pony rides, a cake walk, loud music, motorcycle/bike trick shows, and more. It was pretty awesome. Caleb said his favorite part was winning snowballs in the cake walk (although he does not like snowballs). That boy is so funny.

TP Toss

Side view of the mohawk. Everyone had something to say about how awesome it looked

Arm wrestling. So funny. When Caleb beat him he said,

"See, I told you I was strong!"

This was my favorite booth

Face painting

The guy working the cake walk told them that if they danced they were more likely to win so Caleb

danced around (and he won!)

Fishing. This group does this fishing game every year and as you can tell from the picture, they love it! I think they just love seeing the kids faces. When Caleb got his goody bag of stuff, he turned around with the sweetest face full of excitement. He was so excited and proud.

He is such a cutie pie!

Pony rides

I think Caleb had a great time. I am so glad we have these oppertunities in our community. I am so glad God is giving us the strength to get out and do these things for Caleb and continue making memories with him. We are at the very beginning of this awful journey called grief and somedays are easier than others but somedays are harder than others. This was a really hard day. It was a really hard morning at church. We have been praising the Lord all through this storm and we will continue praising Him because He is good. His plan is good. I know that; we know that. I get emotional in my worship because I know God has all the power. I know He did not make a mistake giving us Levi or taking him away. It is so hard to know that He was/is fully able to heal Levi and chose not to but I know that it is good and this is a part of something bigger than us. I praise the Lord because He is good and I am so thankful for heaven and God's promises. I know He has created a perfect place and Levi is there and we will see him again. My heart cannot wait! All glory and honor and praise to You, my Savior!

Pumpkin Carving

Tonight we carved pumpkins. We let Caleb pick out a design from a book and we made one with Levi's name on it. We also got a small pumpkin to take to Levi's grave. Here are some pictures.

Levi Bracelets

We are ordering silicone bracelets in Levi's memory. They are going to be light blue and have Levi's verse on them. I think it is going to take about 3 weeks for them to come in. I can't wait to see them, I do not think I will ever take mine off. We are ordering extra for everyone we know who has asked for one. They are $3 and come in adult or youth size. If anyone would like one as well, let me know. You can paypal the money to beccadt33@yahoo.com and make sure to include your address in the message if you are not local along with how many you want and the size.

I got the idea for these bracelets from a sweet friend who lost her baby boy just before Levi was born. She had 53 days with her Tate, only 3 days more than we had with our Levi. If anyone wants to read Tate's story her blog is http://babytategranted53.blogspot.com/.

Fall Festival Number One

Last night we went to the fall festival at Caleb's school (it is also a church). Man, it is just so hard to go out and do all of these things without Levi. Everywhere we go, I think about him. I wish I was carrying him around with us and trying to time things right around his nursing schedule. I wish I was trying to help Caleb tie his shoes while holding Levi. It is weird how you just want to do the normal things that get on most peoples nerves when you lose a child. We will probably go to one or two more of these things before Halloween. I do want to go; I really enjoy watching Caleb have a good time, I just hate that our family is so broken.

Some friends from our Sunday School class were at the festival too. Their kids are Cohen and Harper. We tried to get a picture of the kids together but we couldn't get them to sit still long enough. Here is the best one...

 Caleb with his teacher from last year. We love Mrs. P!

Punk rock Caleb :)  What a cute boy! I love him so much!

Love the facial expressions!

We really had a good night. It is ok that we think of Levi everywhere we go and everything we do. We love and miss him so much and we like to think about him a lot. It is just that people think it is not ok to talk about him. I like for people to ask questions about him. It makes me feel like they care and it gives me a chance to talk about him (after all, what mom doesn't love to talk about her kids?). I think the kids had fun going trunk to trunk for candy and just being with each other. We even waited in the ridiculously long line for them to go down the big race car slide once and we ate Chick-fil-a after which gave the kids even more time to play. It was good to talk with our friends for awhile, especially since we have been so cooped up and going crazy.

Carnival Night

I will start by saying that this post is probably going to be all over the place.

We took Caleb to the carnival our city has usually twice every year. We are trying to be able to take him to do all of the normal things we would usually do with him and get him back to his normal routine as much as possible. I think we are going to start grief counseling sometime in the next week or two. We are going to go to a place that has counselors who are trained to work with children through play, art, etc. to make sure that Caleb gets what he needs. He has been upset and doesn't know how to express this so I want him to know that we are always here for him and he can tell us whatever he is feeling and that it is ok.

How I am feeling today...well, of course, I miss my sweet boy. I wish I could have taken him to the carnival tonight. I know I would have had him strapped on the front of me in one of the many baby carriers I purchased during my pregnancy and we would have been keeping each other warm. Everything we do is a constant reminder of the part of our family that is missing, but I do know that everything is going to be ok. I still know that God's plan is good. That has not changed simply because things have happened that I wish I could change. I will remain faithful and say, Blessed is the name of the LORD.

Back to the carnival. Two of my sisters were there with their husbands and each brought one child with them. My mom, her husband, and my little brother were there. My friend, Laura also came and brought her daughter. We had a good time. The kids rode pretty much everything. My goodness, they are so stinkin cute!

They tried to win goldfish...no luck. Darn! (can you hear the sarcasm?)

My favorite part of the night was probably watching them all eat goodies...Funnel cakes, cotton candy, and of course...deep fried snickers! Yummy!

Dancing after the snack. Ha ha! So cute!

It feels like people just want me to get over losing Levi already. I feel like it will only get worse with time, though. Everything reminds me of him. I have had so many plans for when he came home. I have had so many plans for while he was still in the hospital. I was going to dress the boys up as pirates or super heroes or something and make a special costume for Levi that we could get on him in his little bed. I was planning on doing Halloween at the hospital and I was ok with it. So many people kept saying they "wish they could go home already" while we were at the hospital. I was saying "I just want to stay as long as he needs to get better." I am so sad because so many of my dreams have been taken away from me. I was going to get new stockings for Christmas so that Levi could have a matching one. I will probably still do this because I can't stand for him to not be a part of our holidays, but it will not be the same. I never got to show him his room that I worked so hard on. Almost everything in there was customized for him or made by myself or friends or family. He was so loved even before he was born. He is still so loved by us. This is forever. Forever a piece of my family will be missing. I carried that sweet boy for a whopping 42 weeks! So many of my friends were complaining by 34 weeks that they were "so ready" to not be pregnant anymore. I was so thankful for each day and I told Levi he could take as long as he needed. Because I enjoy being huge and uncomfortable? No, but because I love him so much and was so thankful to have him and feel his little kicks and hiccups. I don't know what to do now. I don't think I can ever take his room apart. I don't know that I could ever move from this house even though I never got to bring him here. I am so thankful for the 50 days I had with him, but I wish I could have more. I wish I could have nursed him and carried him everywhere with me. I wish I could stay up all night with him and just love on him. We have said many times before we got pregnant with Levi that we wanted at least 3 children, but how can I have more? How can I have another and that baby grow older than Levi? Forget how stressed out and nervous I would be during the pregnancy, I don't know how I could have another and do all the things I dreamed of with Levi with someone else. I have a friend who just had a baby and I want to go see her. I thought it would be nice to hold her baby since I cannot hold mine, but I think it would just make me sad and long to hold mine that much more because that baby would not be Levi. Oh, how I wish this didn't have to last my entire life on Earth, but it does.

I really just want people to be ok with the fact that I will be missing my baby for the rest of my life. I want people to understand that this will never go away and to just be ok with it. I want people to understand that no matter what is going on in my head, that I will always take care of Caleb and give him the love and attention he needs because he is just as important to me as Levi. And I want people to remember my Levi. He is such a huge part of my heart and will always be so I will not just forget him and get over losing him. I will probably still break down 20 years from now. No one has to have the "right thing" to say. It is fine, because there is nothing to say. Just love us and pray for us. Just show us that you care and that you remember Levi with us. I might want to talk about him, not because I want to make anyone else sad, but because I miss him and I need to talk about him sometimes.

Today was our Celebration of Levi's life. The service was absolutely perfect. Well, as perfect as something like this could be. Our pastor did a great job and I really felt like it was a celebration of Levi and the impact his short life on Earth has had on all of us. I felt like it was a celebration for his homecoming. I am so sad because I miss that sweet boy so badly. I am so sad because of all of the things I never got to do with him and will never be able to do. I am so happy though, that he is in heaven and will never have to experience the suffering that we are going through right now. I am so happy that he is with Jesus who loves him even more than we do (although I cannot understand how that is even possible). I am so overwhelmed with this journey through grief that we are at the very beginning of. I wish we did not have to do this, but we have no choice. We just have to go with it and cling to each other as a family and cling to our Father along the way. I do know that everything is going to be ok and we will get through this. It is so hard to understand that this is a short time, because all we know is this life. But, when we get to heaven it will be forever and our time on Earth will have been nothing in comparison to eternity with Jesus and all of the ones we love. I know that Levi is fine in heaven. I know that he is loved and it will be no time at all to him before we are there with him. I know he has two other siblings there with him and I wonder what they are all doing there while waiting for us. I can't wait to get there and scoop them all up and love on them. But right now we have to stay here. We have to keep going and stay together. We will forever stay faithful to the Lord and forever show Caleb how much we love him. I have no idea what to do now. I have no idea what is right in this process. To put it bluntly, this sucks. I do know that even though this is absolutely horrible for us all, we will be ok and it is all temporary. I hope that our Levi will never be forgotten and that he has changed many people's lives. I know that he has had an impact on so many already and as hard as it is to say, if just one person comes to know Jesus through us and our Levi, he has done something amazing with his time here. That is more important that him being here. I hate it, but I have to admit that. It has been a long day and I am probably rambling at this point, but I really want to try and keep going with this blog because it is not just about Levi (despite the fact that it has been all about him for the most part), it is about our family and now that includes the journey through grief and losing our sweet baby.

Day 48

Today was a really bad day. Sats were bad all morning and never got to a stable place, just bouncing around a lot. Dr. A came up a little while after we got here to try and figure out what to do. We increased Levi's blood pressure medicine and pain medicine. They did another echo and head ultrasound today and the cardiologist is saying that the heart condition may be more than just the coarctation. He said the left side is much smaller than the right side (which we knew) but he thinks it would require a more invasive surgery than just the coarctation surgery. He said the same thing every doctor we see says: there are a lot of things stacked up against Levi and is this just too much for him to survive. I am trying not to get discouraged but we are at a really bad place. He is just not doing good. I was prepared for things when he was doing so bad on ECMO and we knew there wasn't much time left, but then God turned it around out of nowhere. I am not prepared for things to be this bad now. I want it all better. We are supposed to be doing good now and ready for surgery. I don't know what too much is for Levi but I am praying that God will help him tonight and we don't have to get to that "too much" point. Right now, I know we are not far from it and something has to change. I can't sit by and watch my child be miserable so I am just hoping and praying that God will turn things around for the better again. Surely He wouldn't get us off ECMO and get us this far just for everything to be over. Please just pray for Levi. Please pray for us all. We need God to guide us and tell us what to do. We need God to comfort Levi and make him so strong and we need Him to heal Levi. We need Levi at a stable place. Please, pray harder than ever right now and more than ever. We really want to bring our little boy home, but I think even more we want to see everyone say "Wow!" when Levi gets better. I want them to have to give God the credit and say that Levi is a miracle baby from God.