It feels like people just want me to get over losing Levi already. I feel like it will only get worse with time, though. Everything reminds me of him. I have had so many plans for when he came home. I have had so many plans for while he was still in the hospital. I was going to dress the boys up as pirates or super heroes or something and make a special costume for Levi that we could get on him in his little bed. I was planning on doing Halloween at the hospital and I was ok with it. So many people kept saying they "wish they could go home already" while we were at the hospital. I was saying "I just want to stay as long as he needs to get better." I am so sad because so many of my dreams have been taken away from me. I was going to get new stockings for Christmas so that Levi could have a matching one. I will probably still do this because I can't stand for him to not be a part of our holidays, but it will not be the same. I never got to show him his room that I worked so hard on. Almost everything in there was customized for him or made by myself or friends or family. He was so loved even before he was born. He is still so loved by us. This is forever. Forever a piece of my family will be missing. I carried that sweet boy for a whopping 42 weeks! So many of my friends were complaining by 34 weeks that they were "so ready" to not be pregnant anymore. I was so thankful for each day and I told Levi he could take as long as he needed. Because I enjoy being huge and uncomfortable? No, but because I love him so much and was so thankful to have him and feel his little kicks and hiccups. I don't know what to do now. I don't think I can ever take his room apart. I don't know that I could ever move from this house even though I never got to bring him here. I am so thankful for the 50 days I had with him, but I wish I could have more. I wish I could have nursed him and carried him everywhere with me. I wish I could stay up all night with him and just love on him. We have said many times before we got pregnant with Levi that we wanted at least 3 children, but how can I have more? How can I have another and that baby grow older than Levi? Forget how stressed out and nervous I would be during the pregnancy, I don't know how I could have another and do all the things I dreamed of with Levi with someone else. I have a friend who just had a baby and I want to go see her. I thought it would be nice to hold her baby since I cannot hold mine, but I think it would just make me sad and long to hold mine that much more because that baby would not be Levi. Oh, how I wish this didn't have to last my entire life on Earth, but it does.
I really just want people to be ok with the fact that I will be missing my baby for the rest of my life. I want people to understand that this will never go away and to just be ok with it. I want people to understand that no matter what is going on in my head, that I will always take care of Caleb and give him the love and attention he needs because he is just as important to me as Levi. And I want people to remember my Levi. He is such a huge part of my heart and will always be so I will not just forget him and get over losing him. I will probably still break down 20 years from now. No one has to have the "right thing" to say. It is fine, because there is nothing to say. Just love us and pray for us. Just show us that you care and that you remember Levi with us. I might want to talk about him, not because I want to make anyone else sad, but because I miss him and I need to talk about him sometimes.
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You don't know me, but I promise you I will never forget your Levi, his cute little face or his cute hair.
ReplyDeleteremembering with you, and hurting that so many dreams were not realized. i'm so very sorry. thank you for sharing and taking time to reflect and grieve. that's loving your sweet boy and is exactly what you should be doing. praying right now for your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm deeply sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry... I think in an effort to be "helpful," people unintentionally say a lot of things that are actually really hurtful. :( I will continue to pray for you and your family. I was wondering specifically how Caleb is doing. I don't know how on earth you explained all of this to him. It must have been so heart-wrenching. I'm finding myself praying for him a lot.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Levi's story with us. What a brave little boy. ❤
There isn't anything anyone can say but we can always listen. I've never met you but your family has made an impact on my life forever. I have never lost a child this way but had a failed adoption. So I know what it's like to have a room decorated and then have to close it off. There will never be a day you don't think about him. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays... they are always going to make you think of him and miss him. The pain will always be there but as time goes by I pray that you will be able to look at it as more bitter sweet than painful. Mourn your baby. Talk about him often. No one can tell you how to grieve. It's something you have to do your own way. I will continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that people are so insensitive and make ridiculous comparisons. I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful boy. I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. I cannot begin to imagine how horrific this time is for you. Levi will not be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteI am ok with how ever you need to be and I will never get sick of hearing about Levi - even 20 years from now.
ReplyDeleteYou will never get over this loss. You go forward only because your heart won't stop beating. We all love you and are here to hold you up. No expectations of you. You are allowed to grieve and cry or laugh and remember, whatever it is you are feeling at any given moment is accepted and honored. Prayer and love surround you. My heart is broken for you all. It is so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Leah, people make comparisons thinking they know how Rebecca and Michael feel, no one knows. Levi is in a special place now though, he is good now, getting to play with his grandfather. I know its not much, but knowing that he is being taken care of by God, and his Grandfather make this a little more bearable. I believe it is unfair, Rebecca and Michael are some of the best people that I know, and my prayers go out to them and Caleb.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that people are pressuring you to move on already. You're right - you will carry Levi with you for the rest of your life. And you should - he's your son. I lost my son Isaac in April and know your pain. I so appreciate when people bring him up and let me know that they remember and miss him too. I love this quote:
ReplyDelete"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards
Many continued prayers.
You're right, you'll never get over losing Levi. He will always be a part of your family, ALWAYS! Those who make comments about moving on have never experienced the pain of losing a child and I pray they never do. Grief is ugly and as one of my grief counselors at the Amelia Center once told me "we can't put it in a box". You just have to take it as it comes. Some moments are okay, some are bad. Some days are brighter and some days you just want to pull the covers over your head and stay in bed. The best thing you can do is face it. Don't be afraid to cry, be mad, be sad or just silent. You deal with it the way you need to and do your best to drown out those who have no clue what it's like to be you. Oh and the Elizabeth Edwards quote is one of my personal favorites too. :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and I will be praying for your broken heart to be healed! I know you will miss your precious baby forever and that's to be expected and appreciated. God bless your family!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy Levi. I'm a friend of your SIL and I have also lost a child. I lost my 1st born son a yr ago. I can relate to so much that you have written. People who have never experienced this do not understand how much losing a child cracks your very foundation. Please know that you are not alone. And if you ever need someone to talk to who understands please feel free to email me (canesgirl115@yahoo.com). I'm sending you so much love, prayers and strength. I mourn with you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Becca.. I can barely see to type this because I am crying so much... for you, with you, for your loss... I dont have the words to express how sorry I am and how much I wish I could just make it all better for you. I do trust in the Lord but it is so hard to understand why selfish drug addicts and child molesters can have these perfect babies born into their house holds and live a sad life. Their parents oblivious!! For some reason God allows those people to have and raise babies but not the families that truly love HIM and would raise their children for HIM. It reminds me of a lyric from Natalie Grants song "Held" she says.. "were asking why this happens to us who have died to live..its unfair". BUT we just have to trust his perfect will for us and for Levi. He has done so much already. He has had an impact on our family and especially our 8 year old son, Matthew. Matthew is the one who had the idea for mommy and daddy to carve the pumpkin for Levi. He told me to make sure we put the brightest candles we have in the pumpkin because Levi is an Angel shinning bright in heaven. May God wrap his arms around you.. I hope you know how loved you are. We love your family. ~The Jones Family~
ReplyDeleteDear Becca, I have been where you are and felt what you are feeling. It's a terrifying and lonely place. There is a whole world of 'baby loss mamas' here on the internet, ready to give you support. You might want to start with facesofloss.com. Please be patient with yourself. It takes a long time to feel your new self again.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad for you and Levi. He is playing with my Griffin right now!
Sweetie, losing a baby is one of the hardest things I have EVER gone through. I can relate and what you are saying here is so true for the rest of us Mommies who have lost a baby. I pray somehow you can find some peace and comfort to get through these rough days. I wish I could be there for you. I have never commented but have prayed for Levi for the last 33 days.
ReplyDeleteIf there's anything I can do please email at slfunk3763@hotmail.com.
Shari
we don't know each other, but i stumbled upon your blog and wanted to tell you that i will say a prayer for you and your husband and your son caleb - for inexplicable joy in the midst of such horrid pain. i also ask God that He give you freedom from longing to meet others' expectations of what your grief should look like or how long it should last. i pray that you are set free of guilt or shame and are able to grieve however, whenever and for however long you want and need. i saw Levi's pictures and he is BEAUTIFUL. i can't wait to meet him when all of this broken world fades away. you are in my prayers.
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