Christmas

Christmas was very strange this year. It feels like it just came out of nowhere. I was busy preparing for Christmas for much of November and all of December when I wasn't planning for Caleb's birthday party. (Still can't believe he is five!) Anyway, Caleb really didn't have a very good idea of what he wanted this year so we got what we knew he wanted and then we just sort of picked up a couple of other things that we thought he would like. I felt bad because I became aware of something that he would like much more on Christmas Eve but there was no way for me to get anything that late. I just felt like I didn't want this Christmas to be terrible for him right after his brother leaving us. I didn't want him to open things and not like them. I know, ridiculous! We make a big deal in our house about what Christmas really means so I know it was silly for me to think about something as meaningless as gifts, but you know, you always want to do the best for your children. Well, we woke Caleb up Christmas morning like usual (he never wakes up on his own on Christmas, I think he may start to in the next year or two) and he was so excited. He loved everything and we had a wonderful morning together. Caleb is so sweet...as soon as he saw his stocking, he looked back at Levi's still hanging from the fireplace and he said "Levi didn't get anything". He then proceeded to share half of his stocking stuff with Levi. Such a sweet boy. We went to church for the Christmas service and we went to the cemetery for a little while and then we went to my mom's house. We also went to Michael's mom's later that night. We had spent Christmas Eve with Michael's dad. It was very hard to do the things that we normally do every year with our families. We didn't even want to go do anything with the rest of the family but we managed to drag each other out to spend time with everyone because we didn't want Caleb to miss out. We could not take away his Christmas traditions just because it is difficult for us. It is so hard because no one really understands just how painful the day was for us. People didn't respect our wishes while we were out and that was very frustrating, but we dealt with everything and tried to make the best of it. Overall, I can say that the day was ok. Caleb enjoyed everything and that is really what makes everything worth it to us.

Thank you

I just wanted to take a minute to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for visiting us at the hospital and bringing us food. Thank you for each gift to us and to Caleb. We appreciate what each and every one of you has done for us. We keep trying to find the time to write thank you cards to everyone but it just hasn't happened and there is no way for us to write that many cards so I would just like to say, every single prayers has been (and continues to be) greatly appreciated. Every penny that has been donated has helped tremendously. Every second that was spent thinking about us, praying for us, and visiting with us has meant so much to us. I really do not know how we could have gotten through our time in the hospital without everyone's amazing support. So many are still praying for us and so much of the time we are just so overwhelmed with grief and I know that there is no way we can do this without the prayers and support so thank you so much for everything that you have done and continue to do! You are amazing and such a blessing to our family! We love each and every one of you!

-The Williams Family

A Few Pictures

Family Pictures

We had pictures made today for the first time since Levi left us. I wanted to do this before Christmas but I was a little hesitant to do them without Levi. Family pictures are one of the things that will never feel right to me again but I also want to get them taken. I grabbed a few things of Levi's to take with us so that we could include him somehow. We brought a balloon, his first stuffed animal that was brought to the hospital for him, and a picture of him. We also brought his blanket that we held him with (and also buried half of it with him) but didn't use that this time. I can't wait to see what Natalie did with everything. I know that family pictures will always be hard for us from here until forever but I am thankful for a sweet friend who is so great at working with us through all of this! Thank you, Sez Me Photography!

Caleb is 5

My sweet boy is 5 today! He is growing up so fast. I would love to keep him little, but I really enjoy watching him grow and learn every day. He is such a sweet, lovable boy! I feel like I should talk about his personality a little and share some of my favorite things about him...

Caleb is a strong-willed, stubborn, cuddly, intelligent boy. He can argue for hours without plans of stopping until he gets his way. He likes to sing and dance although I don't know how good he will be at that since Michael and I are not very talented singers. He can be a perfectionist sometimes and gets discouraged when he doesn't do something just so. I love that little boy more than I could ever express!

Some of my favorite things about him:
-his chubby cheeks (they are just so kissable!)
-his facial expressions (he makes so many faces that remind me of Michael)
-his heart (he can be ugly just like any child, but he definately has his moments and can be incredibly sweet)
-his stubbornness (this is part of his personality and I love him for it, I believe it will come in handy in his carreer one day)
-his love of music (I love watching him sing and dance, he is super cute and has some pretty awesome dance moves)

There is so much more to my Caleb but here is just a little of what makes him, him

Levi has been in heaven for 7 weeks today. He left us around 10:30 that Friday night and now has been in heaven as long as we had him here. That night is still so fresh. I remember the relief I felt for him as soon as I knew he was in heaven and at the same time, the panic I felt inside me for us left behind. My sweet Caleb. I hurt so much for him. He will never have a life here on earth with his brother. He loves him so much. He talks about him so much. I wanted Levi here with us so much and for so many reasons. The two reasons that meant the most to me, though, were for God's glory and for Caleb's future with him. The doctors said that it would have to be a miracle for him to live. They said it would have to be a miracle from God for him to even come off of ECMO. He came off ECMO much to everyone's surprise. The nurses told us they were all amazed and that no part of them thought he would come off ECMO. Our God is greater than anything and what a miracle He performed in little Levi. I am getting a little off topic...back to Caleb. Caleb has talked about all of the things he wanted to do with Levi. Even he, at four years old, had dreams about his life with his baby brother. I hate that he can't have that. He is supposed to be able to teach him how to get in trouble and how to drive me crazy with gross things like buggers and passing gas. He is supposed to teach him what it means to be loved in a way that only a brother can love. He is supposed to teach him how to pick flowers for me. There are so many things that are missing not only from mine and Michael's lives, but from Caleb's as well. I can take what this life throws at me, but I can't take things happening to my babies. I do not do well with stuff hurting my child. I always think, you can mess with me, but don't even think about messing with my kid! What parent doesn't feel that way? I started this post thinking about how it hurts that Levi has been away from us for so long and that this is only the beginning, but I always end up thinking about Caleb. I pray for him so much. I only want a life filled with joy for him and so we go on and we pray for strength (which God always provides, although some moments are better than others) and we do our best to give Caleb everything he needs while also trying to help him understand something that children should never have to understand. He is just too young for all of this. His life will never be the same and I hope that now, as we are going through this life where Levi has spent 50 days in heaven, he will always know that we love him and Levi more than he can imagine. We will always love Levi even when he is not here, but we will also always do our jobs and love Caleb and take care of him. He is such a blessing in our lives and I am so thankful for him every day. Despite everything, we are extremely blessed!