Sunday, February 26, 2012

Six Months

It has been six months since I gave birth to my precious Levi. Oh, how I wish I could be taking his 6-month-pictures. I wonder if he would be sitting up at this point. I was sitting at Caleb's baseball game earlier today just wishing I could hold him. I see everyone else with their babies. Strollers everywhere. New babies and older babies. I see babies that are the age he would be now and babies the age he was when he left us. My arms feel so empty. I wish he was snuggled up to me under a blanket. I see everyone else with their children all around them and I can only imagine how amazing that reality must me. I am so jealous of those who walk around with their entire crew in tow. For a moment, I can close my eyes and imagine how wonderful it would be.

Back to reality...I am so thankful for the time we had with Levi. I am so thankful for each day with my Caleb. He is an amazing gift and I feel incredibly blessed that God chose me to be his mom. Although our days are so painful so much of the time, I will not take my big boy for granted. We include Levi in our family every day the best we can, but it is so important to me that Caleb knows just how much he is loved. It is hard to have so much love for your children but one of them not be here. It is very hard to explain. My heart hurts and I long to hold him again, but we keep going and do what we can to cope with every day. I want Caleb to grow up knowing as much love as possible from us. I don't believe it is possible to love my boys any more.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


I went to a funeral today. It was my first since we had Levi's service. Thank God, it was not for a child. I did not want to go, to be completely honest. I guess no one really wants to go. The funeral was for the mother of a couple who I care for deeply and consider true friends. I was so sad for them. I remember my dad's funeral when I was a teenager and it was just awful. I hope that I don't lose my mom for a long time. Even though this woman was older (71) I can only imagine it must be just terrible to lose your mother. I am kind of off track though. I wanted to write about attending a funeral. No one likes to do it, but if you are close to someone who loses a loved one, and you consider going to the funeral, please go. It means so much. I know that it meant so much to me to see people at Levi's. At least to me, it shows that they care and that they love you and your loved one. I know this is a random post, but it was on my mind because it was very hard for me to go today. This world is just too much, I long for the day that our Savior comes back and takes us home!

Saturday, February 4, 2012


I heard this song today on the radio for only the second time since Levi's service. We chose this song along with a few others for the service. The last part of the song is just so true. I am as emotional hearing this today as I was on October 18th.


...that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?