Sunday, November 13, 2011

This morning was family dedication (or baby dedication) at our church. I have looked forward to that day since I first got pregnant with Levi. I looked forward to it even more after we discovered his CDH because I knew it would be such an amazing miracle that we got to that point. Everyone just has a baby and then they do their dedication and that is all. Levi would have had to get through some incredibly difficult circumstances to get to that point so I just pictured it being this amazing Sunday morning with surrounded by so many who have prayed for Levi praising God for the mighty work He had done. So, I was a little emotional. Actually, I was probably more of a train wreck. A friend of ours, whose wife has just given birth about four weeks ago, was there because they were doing baby dedication and he came up to me to give me a hug and when he told me it was baby dedication I just lost it. I went to the bathroom and cried for a long time. I didn't realize it was this week. The reminder was in last weeks listening guide, but I didn't really pay any attention to it. When I pulled myself together enough to walk back into the sanctuary, baby dedication was wrapping up. Then we started worship and all of the moms and dads were walking back in with their babies from the back to find their seats. Seeing all of those moms who had been waddling around the church with me during my pregnancy was so upsetting. I'm not sure why. Maybe just seeing several of them at a time with all of their healthy babies? I really don't know. I am very happy for all of those families but I miss my Levi so much. There are so many things I will never get to do with him on this Earth. I cried all through worship and on and off for so much of the day. Every day there is some time where I am crying. Usually it is at night when I am just sitting in the bed and can't sleep and lots of times it just comes and goes randomly throughout the day. Am I depressed? No. I am simply grieving. Unfortunately, there is no way to go around this. We just have to walk through this storm. I have heard from many parents who have lost children that the pain never goes away, but instead you learn to deal with it in different ways. I believe this is true. The reality of it all is just too much. But, here is what I do know...we will get through this. We will cling to each other as a family and cling to God and we will get through it. I know that this life is so short, although it seems like forever, it will be over before we know it and then we will spend eternity with our Savior. Sometimes, it is all I can do to go sit in the quiet and talk to God and beg Him to drag me a little further through everything. Am I strong? No, but God gives me the strength to get through everything one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I CAN do all things, through CHRIST who gives me strength!

Everytime I hear this song, it is exactly how I feel so I wanted to share it on here


  1. thinking of you, Levi and your family. i do understand how difficult it is to be in a situation like you were in with the baby dedication. we mourn not only our children, but all of the hopes and dreams we had for them. ((hugs))

  2. That song was a blessing. Thank you for sharing it.

  3. amazingly said.

    love to you and all of your boys