Six Months

It has been six months since I gave birth to my precious Levi. Oh, how I wish I could be taking his 6-month-pictures. I wonder if he would be sitting up at this point. I was sitting at Caleb's baseball game earlier today just wishing I could hold him. I see everyone else with their babies. Strollers everywhere. New babies and older babies. I see babies that are the age he would be now and babies the age he was when he left us. My arms feel so empty. I wish he was snuggled up to me under a blanket. I see everyone else with their children all around them and I can only imagine how amazing that reality must me. I am so jealous of those who walk around with their entire crew in tow. For a moment, I can close my eyes and imagine how wonderful it would be.

Back to reality...I am so thankful for the time we had with Levi. I am so thankful for each day with my Caleb. He is an amazing gift and I feel incredibly blessed that God chose me to be his mom. Although our days are so painful so much of the time, I will not take my big boy for granted. We include Levi in our family every day the best we can, but it is so important to me that Caleb knows just how much he is loved. It is hard to have so much love for your children but one of them not be here. It is very hard to explain. My heart hurts and I long to hold him again, but we keep going and do what we can to cope with every day. I want Caleb to grow up knowing as much love as possible from us. I don't believe it is possible to love my boys any more.