It feels like people just want me to get over losing Levi already. I feel like it will only get worse with time, though. Everything reminds me of him. I have had so many plans for when he came home. I have had so many plans for while he was still in the hospital. I was going to dress the boys up as pirates or super heroes or something and make a special costume for Levi that we could get on him in his little bed. I was planning on doing Halloween at the hospital and I was ok with it. So many people kept saying they "wish they could go home already" while we were at the hospital. I was saying "I just want to stay as long as he needs to get better." I am so sad because so many of my dreams have been taken away from me. I was going to get new stockings for Christmas so that Levi could have a matching one. I will probably still do this because I can't stand for him to not be a part of our holidays, but it will not be the same. I never got to show him his room that I worked so hard on. Almost everything in there was customized for him or made by myself or friends or family. He was so loved even before he was born. He is still so loved by us. This is forever. Forever a piece of my family will be missing. I carried that sweet boy for a whopping 42 weeks! So many of my friends were complaining by 34 weeks that they were "so ready" to not be pregnant anymore. I was so thankful for each day and I told Levi he could take as long as he needed. Because I enjoy being huge and uncomfortable? No, but because I love him so much and was so thankful to have him and feel his little kicks and hiccups. I don't know what to do now. I don't think I can ever take his room apart. I don't know that I could ever move from this house even though I never got to bring him here. I am so thankful for the 50 days I had with him, but I wish I could have more. I wish I could have nursed him and carried him everywhere with me. I wish I could stay up all night with him and just love on him. We have said many times before we got pregnant with Levi that we wanted at least 3 children, but how can I have more? How can I have another and that baby grow older than Levi? Forget how stressed out and nervous I would be during the pregnancy, I don't know how I could have another and do all the things I dreamed of with Levi with someone else. I have a friend who just had a baby and I want to go see her. I thought it would be nice to hold her baby since I cannot hold mine, but I think it would just make me sad and long to hold mine that much more because that baby would not be Levi. Oh, how I wish this didn't have to last my entire life on Earth, but it does.
I really just want people to be ok with the fact that I will be missing my baby for the rest of my life. I want people to understand that this will never go away and to just be ok with it. I want people to understand that no matter what is going on in my head, that I will always take care of Caleb and give him the love and attention he needs because he is just as important to me as Levi. And I want people to remember my Levi. He is such a huge part of my heart and will always be so I will not just forget him and get over losing him. I will probably still break down 20 years from now. No one has to have the "right thing" to say. It is fine, because there is nothing to say. Just love us and pray for us. Just show us that you care and that you remember Levi with us. I might want to talk about him, not because I want to make anyone else sad, but because I miss him and I need to talk about him sometimes.