Monday, September 19, 2011

Day 24

No news for today. We are up even further than yesterday on the ECMO. We just left and he had been very squirmy so I am hoping he will calm down and get some rest and get those lungs working.

I have been pretty emotional today. I don't really know why either. I can't express how helpless I feel. I want to make it all better and there is nothing I can do to make his lungs open up. We desperately need them to fill with air. So, I am doing all that I can do by hoping and praying. I can't stop praying. I feel like I am crying out from the deepest part of me and I still can't quite get it all out.

Sweet Levi was awake and squirmy for a long time today and when he was fighting his sleep, he just stared up into my eyes. Oh, what a sweet face and she sweetest eyes. I wish I could make this all better. I wish I could make this fight easier for him. I feel so bad that he has such a long road ahead of him but all I want is for him to keep fighting and pull through. Am I selfish? I told him to stay strong for me and that when we get home it will be worth it because I will hold him and love him so much and never let him go. I long to hold him so badly. I feel like once I can hold him I will never be able to put him back down (gotta make up for lost time, right?). My arms literally ache from the emptiness. I stared into Levi's eyes for the longest time today and I can't imagine never being able to take him home. He HAS to get better and come home with us. I don't see how he couldn't with all of the prayers. I can be patient and get through all of this, I just need him to get stronger. I need him to make progress. I don't want to lose him and I don't want Caleb to lose his brother. It is so hard for our family to be separated and broken apart but we can get through this. We just have to stay strong and keep the faith.

Oh, how sweet is that face?


  1. Oh Becca, crying as I read tonight and aching with you for your sweet boy to be in your arms and home. We are praying for his healing, praying for your comfort and strength. {{hugs}}

  2. me too. crying with you, and so amazed at your strength. hold on, friend. just hold on.

  3. more prayers and tears. hanging onto hope!

  4. Sending prayers and love for you. I know that aching feeling. When my preemies were in the NICU, it was my chest that ached and it really did....longing for that sweet boy to lay on my chest. Keep praying...he will. Miracles happen and prayer works. Your faith is amazing and inspiring.

    You post brings back so much and it's so true. You ache to help, to make it better, to ease his pain, to help him fight and no matter how hard you pray, how hard you cry, it never feels as if it's enough. But know, sweet Mamma that you are doing so, so very much for him. Praying, sitting with him, singing, reading, looking, loving.....those will all help him heal and grow. He knows you and loves you and cannot wait to be in your arms too! Love and prayers!